Comments on: Treating Siblings Equitably: Financial Dilemmas

By: Erin Vilano

Erin Vilano — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 22:52:55 +0000

If it is favoritism I do think it is wrong. However, I grew up with one older sister and a younger brother – - both of whom required much more financial help from my parents (and now me) than I ever did. However, both have been significantly affected by health problems and bad luck. They are by no means lazy or not trying, so I don’t mind at all. I will much rather be in my position and able to help than having to rely on others for funds.

By: Ethiopia, Equality, and the Principle of Fairness | My Family's Money

Ethiopia, Equality, and the Principle of Fairness | My Family's Money — Wed, 30 Jul 2008 16:36:23 +0000

[...] I read posts on My Dollar Plan and AllFinancialMatters that got me thinking about the whole issue of fairness and being equitable with one’s [...]

By: Mel

Mel — Mon, 12 May 2008 09:37:35 +0000

My sister and I have different fathers which caused no end of problems when we were younger. My dad was always involved and my sister’s dad wasn’t. My dad even paid extra maintenance to my mother as my sister’s dad didnt pay anything. My whole childhood was spent bending over backwards to make my sister feel better, and often when my mother couldnt afford to send us both to things (ballet, gym classes etc) I would tell her to send my sister rather than me (I remember saying this at 8 years old).

Then when my sister was 18 she got sick and went bankrupt. The family tried to get her out of the hole she had gotten herself into but it wasn’s possible. She was unable to work because of her illness and of course the family helped her out (including me) and noone begrudged her of that. THEN she got pregnant at 18 to her new boyfriend and decided to keep the baby. After that, the family helped out with money, etc etc to help them stay afloat… and no-one begrudged them that either.

Her boyfriend then decided to quit his well-paying job to go back to uni for three years despite having a young family and no money. Of course, we all helped them out over that period too. THEN they decided to have another baby – so of course, more money from all of us. Her boyfriend now has a job that has nothing to do with the degree he did – the thing that was supposedly his life’s passion.

They have now decided to get married and guess what – we are all paying for the wedding and they are paying for nothing (despite my sister getting a payout due to her illness of about $200k last year). I was given the impression they were saving up on their own and were really struggling, so offered quite a large contribution and have now just found out that everyone else has offered the same. I’m a chump.

The worst thing is that I could have asked my dad to pay for my wedding but I didnt, as I wanted to prove that I could stand on my own two feet. If anyone should have taken the same stance it should have been my sister and her boyfriend – especially after all of the help and the handouts they have been given over the years.

The most upsetting thing is that my mum contributed $300 to my wedding cake for my wedding and I have just found out that my sister is getting $2500!! (This is despite my dad giving her $5000 towards the wedding, which is the same amount of money he spent on a car for us last year – which we didnt ask for).

I feel as if I have spent my life bending over backwards to try and make my sister not feel bad about her circumstances, but hey – looking at her circumstances now they dont look so bad! Meanwhile when I was struggling financially a few years ago I took a second job…and my husband and I are a couple of years away from having kids as we dont feel we can afford them right now.

I dont know what to say to my mother but I cant look at her or my sister right now. When it was for the kids I didnt say anything – when mum won lotto and gave it all to my sister i didnt say anything – but when we paid for our entire wedding and they are paying for nothing i dont understand why mum thinks it is appropriate to give them so much more money than us!! So much for working hard and paying for yourself.

By: Katy

Katy — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 23:29:25 +0000

I am 35 and my sister is 33. My sister got pregnant at age 16 and ran away from home. My parents have been supporting her ever since.

I went to university, got a teaching job, and have received nothing. I bought my own house and my mother gave me $2000 for the downpayment and has been reminding me of that ever since. That amount is a drop in the bucket compared to the hundreds of thousands of dollars they have given to my sister. They refuse to see it, however. They pretend it isn’t happening. My mother, in particular, lies to me about it.

My parents are not wealthy, however, over the past sixteen years, they have given my sister at least $200,000 (that I know of – it’s probably much more). They have put a second mortgage on their home, maxed out their credit cards, dwindled their retirement savings, etc., to give my sister money. Now, her son is about to go to college. My mother is now saying that she is going to put him through school, since my sister is unable.

If I do get an inheritance, it will be very small.

If my sister asks me for money after my parents pass away, I am going to say NO.

By: Why I Won’t Spend the Same Amount on the Kids | My Dollar Plan

Why I Won’t Spend the Same Amount on the Kids | My Dollar Plan — Fri, 21 Dec 2007 14:36:07 +0000

[...] All Financial Matters brought up some additional reasons discussing the financial dilemmas of treating siblings equitably. [...]

By: Michelle

Michelle — Mon, 26 Nov 2007 23:01:56 +0000

I have one brother, we are now both in our mid 20s and I never even thought about whether things were evenly given to us. My parents did pay for all my college and expenses, they offered this same deal to my brother but he chose to go into the military instead. So I guess I got more, but I dont think my brother would resent that because he knows he had the same option open to him.

He is not as good at managing his money a I am so they may end up helping him more at some point, although if my brother was in such a bad situation with money that my parents felt he needed more, than I would want him to have it. I would never want my brother or his future family to suffer if I was doing fine just for the sake of being fair. I would feel no resent at this, but hope for him to continue the same lifestyle we always had growing up.

By: Barbara

Barbara — Wed, 21 Nov 2007 00:08:44 +0000

I am the oldest of 5 and can relate completely. We are all 40+ adults now but my mother continues to support 2 of her 3 sons whenever they have financial difficulty….and since they don´t save, plan or have any sense of frugality, this is a constant situation. My sister, youngest brother and I are financially successful without a dime from her, but she has no respect for this and refuses to even admit that we might know how to handle money. Meanwhile she is 75 years old, continues to work out of necessity with no personal savings or retirement nest egg left because she gave it all to her “hard-up” sons and their get rich quick schemes who still have nothing to show for it (and it was a substantial amount she has given them over the years, not chump change).

It makes me angry to see her in such financial straits. Do I feel obligated to help her? Yes and I can easily afford to, but I know any money I give her will end up in my brothers’ pockets. Have tried to find ways to just pay for things (like having her utility bills sent directly to me) but she is too proud to accept help or advice and is in extreme denial that there is even a problem, she also lives 600 miles away so it is difficult to intervene.

But you can’t help someone who won’t be helped and it is more than frustrating. My brothers have ruined her financially but she has let them because of her beliefs that if they have trouble its her fault for raising them wrong and therefore she is responsible to bail them out. No one has been able to convince her that they as 40-something grown men are responsible to support themselves.

So unfortunately my sister, youngest brother and I have only limited success in assisting her. Its very sad really, but there is nothing we can do.

By: Dawn

Dawn — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 20:29:19 +0000

As an adult child with a sibling, I can say I have never been jealous of my brother even though I imagine my parents give him financial assistance (as they have me on ocassion) because my parents don’t talk about that. It is their money. What they do with it is their choice, and when they have assisted me, they have always said, this is between you and us, and no one else. I don’t share that info with my brother and he doesn’t share it with me.

By: Kelly

Kelly — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 18:12:21 +0000

Great topic and I can identify with many of the comments!
My (half) brother is 12 years older and did not have the grades or desire to go to college, whereas my parents fully paid for my tuition at a private college with the help of my many scholarships. However, they helped him during his multiple divorces and I believe with down payments on his different home purchases.
My parents paid for my wedding (despite my offer to elope)and gave us help with our first house down payment. But my husband and I have never asked for a penny, which seems to make my parents want to give it all the more. They have always said that they want to give us money when we need it and while they can enjoy seeing the benefits, rather than when they die and when we’ll be financially secure. So I guess you could say that they helped both my brother and me but in different ways and at different times because of the age difference/stages of life we were in.
Fortunately for us, we have only one daughter (currently only grandchild for either side of the family) and have no plans for expanding the family so it’ll be an easy choice for us.
My in-laws seem to lean towards giving the needier son (my brother-in-law) slightly more help, but help on a smaller scale. They let him move back home for 4 years while he paid down student loans (his choice to attend a private school when they offered to pay for state school–which my husband took them up on). We got a honeymoon cruise and washer and dryer from them. They’ve openly stated that they believe in “Dying broke” and even had us listen to their copy of the book on tape.
We won’t “expect” anything from either set of parents, rather we just hope not to be financially burdened someday while supporting them in their old age. We’d rather they save their money for retirement than move in with us some day!

By: ETS

ETS — Tue, 20 Nov 2007 13:13:43 +0000

I think that there is no way to be entirely fair. I am the oldest. I went to a very expensive private college. My parents paid what they could but when I got a good job out of college they gave me the loans as I could handle them. My next brother when to an out of state public school but did the 5 year plan and got borderline grades. Then he moved back home and got a crappy min wage job even though he had an engineering degree. He lived at home for 5 years or so. My youngest brother went to a public college and has been on his own ever since and doing very well for himself. I got married and my parents gave us $10k for the wedding. They also bought us appliances for our new home. My middle brother will never get married (probably) but my youngest will. Both boys own homes and I’m not sure my parents helped out as they didn’t with my first home. Part of my parents push to give to us I think was the inlaws who give excessively. My parents are now divorced so I don’t see them being able to give what we got. We also got a substantial gift from my grandfather for our wedding which my brothers won’t ever get because my grandfather has passed. I’ve never really thought about it but it looks like I am the one who got the most. I don’t know if it’s ever crossed anyone’s mind but I’m certainly going to talk to my dad about this. I know my parents have given loans to all of us with the understanding that it will be paid back. I know when my parents die, I don’t expect anything.

My dad is trying to figure out a why to make things even but right now I am married and have 2 kids while my brothers are single. If dad were to pass today, my family would probably get the most because dad wants to give to the grandkids. Also, dad’s new wife has 2 children who my dad is planning leaving part of his estate to. The one daughter is currently going through a divorce and the other isn’t married yet. Some people feel that my dad should not leave his dad’s money to his new wife’s kids. He got married to her when her kids were in their 30’s so he never raised them. It doesn’t really bother me because it’s his money to do what he wants with and this is now his family. I also expect nothing so if I do get anything, it will be a windfall.