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Think Before You Speak
By JLP | April 3, 2008
Wednesday nights are AWANAs nights at our church. I volunteered to help with the games portion of the night. It’s a fairly easy way to serve in that all I have to do is help another guy administer the games. AWANAs runs an hour and a half, and each group of kids gets approximately 30 minutes of game time. We start the night with the youngest kids and work our way up. The last group of kids to have game time is the older kids. My boys are in that group.
Last night was baseball night, which meant the kids were supposed to dress up like baseball players. The games leader decided that we would play baseball to stay with the theme. The kids who play baseball didn’t have any problem hitting the ball. The kids who don’t normally play baseball, struggled a bit. My boys were two of the strugglers. When my oldest son was batting one of the kids in the field yelled, “MOVE UP! B. is at bat.” He took a few swings but his timing was off (which should be expected if you don’t play baseball). After about 3 or 4 swings, one of the other teachers said loudly, “Do we need to have remedial batting lessons?”
My son shrugged it off, and laughed about it but I didn’t like it. It’s hard enough to get kids to try new things. It’s even tougher when they think people are going to laugh or poke fun of them. I would expect this at school but this was a church activity where the kids (and adults for that matter) are supposed to be encouraging. I know the guy didn’t mean anything by it but he should have at least considered how his words could be interpreted.
He eventually got a hit and everything was okay but on the way home my youngest son asked me if I heard what the other people said. I said, “Yeah, I heard them. I wonder how many of them can play the guitar like you guys can?” My point was that WE ALL CAN’T BE BASEBALL PLAYERS! We all have different talents and abilities. Why is it that we tend to forget this when we play a game and notice that someone isn’t good?
I realize that we can’t control what other people say. We can only control how we react. I told my boys not to worry about what other people say because some people don’t think before they speak. I also told them that when people say stuff like that, that they should blow it off and instead think about the things they can do well.
Finally, I used the experience to point out how what they say could hurt other’s feelings, which is something they don’t usually think about. Maybe they’ll learn something from the experience.
Topics: Personal Growth | 15 Comments »
April 3rd, 2008 at 10:46 am
My children are also in AWANA (one a Sparky, the other a T&T). I’m disappointed with the actions of the leader suggesting remedial batting lessons; it reflects badly on the leader and on the program. Perhaps your AWANA Commander would be wise to remind the offending leader what the intent of AWANA is.
April 3rd, 2008 at 12:06 pm
Wow, what a jerk. That might be ok to say to an adult, but kids have much lower self-confidence w.r.t playing games with their peers.
April 3rd, 2008 at 12:11 pm
Interesting article and quite timely since I just got through reading an article on MSN about a scientific story linking lower athletic ability with popularity.
http://tinyurl.com/39ecl4
Anyone who struggled through school being “picked last” knows that over time it will whittle away your self confidence no matter how great you are at other activities. (That’s not to imply your son isn’t great at other sports – just speaking in general here.)
Back to the specifics – Your advice to your sons was spot on!! It takes practice to learn to play a sport the same way it takes practice to play guitar. If they want to be prepared for the next sport theme, you may want to ask if they’d like to practice beforehand.
I agree with jadem, you may wish to speak directly to the person making the comment to make him aware how it could have been interpreted. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and guess he was trying to make light of the situation to take the pressure off and misspoke (resulting in the opposite effect). Being aware may help him to think before he speaks next time.
On the flip side, kids aren’t always going to be around people who are encouraging. Teaching them to deal with the naysayers is an excellent way to help them succeed once they’ve left their secure surroundings. And, having been on the receiving end of ugly comments will definitely help them to empathize with others and be cautious with their words and deeds.
(I think we as adults need to remember this too!
April 3rd, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Andy,
I know the guy didn’t mean anything by it but I don’t think I would have said it.
April 3rd, 2008 at 12:46 pm
One of the hardest lessons to learn is that people are still people at church.
Unfortunate, but true. You can only raise your kids to have enough self-confidence to brush it off. That, and turn the other cheek.
April 3rd, 2008 at 1:23 pm
I hope you will remember this the next time you write something like, “No one can beat the market” so invest in index funds.
April 3rd, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Dude said:
“I hope you will remember this the next time you write something like, “No one can beat the market” so invest in index funds.”
I challenge you to find that statement (by me) on this blog.
April 3rd, 2008 at 4:10 pm
I would have handled it similar to you.
However to play the devils advocate, if your boys swing is funny enough, I would probably laugh too. The thing is that swinging a bat is much easier to learn than playing the guitar, I mean cavemen were swinging for thousands of years to bring home raptor meat to their wives. You don’t have to be Barry Bonds, just learn to swing well enough to get you in the game or get a few hits. And you can’t compare a guitar to swinging a bat, the guitar is much more sophisticated.
I think the other thing I would do(maybe months later so the boys don’t connect the dots) is go to a batting range to get some practice in to help the boys gain confidence. As my daughter grows I want to help her get as many skills as we can squeeze into a lifetime; academic, athletic and musical.
April 3rd, 2008 at 4:59 pm
I challenge you to find that statement (by me) on this blog.
Not hard to do, how about the title of this article?
http://allfinancialmatters.com/2008/01/04/when-an-active-mutual-fund-manager-beats-the-market-is-it-luck/
April 3rd, 2008 at 5:38 pm
Dude,
That post you referenced was a question, NOT an outright statement of my belief that people can’t beat the market.
April 3rd, 2008 at 5:47 pm
JLP, I think you handled it well. I wish I had a dad when I was growing up who could give me advice like that (heck I wish I had a dad around period). Growing up with no father to teach me sports meant that my first attempts at any sport (baseball, basketball, etc.) were usually pretty lame and embarrassing, resulting in a lot of teasing. Fortunately, I’m a tenacious person by nature, and naturally athletic, so it didn’t stop me from trying and I went on to become pretty good at a number of sports (and a few other things).
In fact, that ability to shrug off crap from the other kids (as well as some adults) is one of the key reasons I’m not still living in the ghetto slums I started out in. Would you believe that learning how to read well, speak proper English, and get good grades, were also qualities worthy of ridicule and derision.
The ability to ignore (or at least discount) the stupidity of others is a key determinant of success on so many levels its not even funny. Your kids are very fortunate to have a supportive and encouraging dad like you! And we’re fortunate you’re willing to share such personal stories with us.
April 3rd, 2008 at 6:00 pm
Ken,
My son’s swing wasn’t funny. His timing was off. He knew how to stand at the plate and all that.
Also, I wasn’t trying to compare baseball to playing guitar other than to illustrate the point that we all have different talents abilities and that we shouldn’t make people feed dumb if they can’t do something as well as someone else.
Miguel,
Thanks for your comment!
I don’t know how fortunate my boys are to have me as their dad but I do what I can. I’m not always the most understand individual. LOL!
April 4th, 2008 at 5:52 am
JLP,
I was thinking about this thread some more, and came to realize that this thing we’re talking about, this willingness to risk embarrassment and the ridicule of others, is one of the keystones of a successful life. I can think of numerous critical decisions/situations as an adult, both personal and professional, where risking public failure and embarrassment, and shaking off the unwarranted (vs. constructive) criticism of others, has made a huge positive difference in my life. Conversely, the times I have let the fear of embarrassment get in my way, its usually resulted in regrets.
I think it has a lot to do with believing in yourself and having a healthy dose of self-confidence (balanced by some humility and sensitivity to others). And that, of course, is aided by the kind of support and encouragement you get from parents as you’re growing up and your formative experiences.
As I progress thru middle-age, I am finding that these qualities are a critical component of leadership and success. If you don’t first believe you can achieve something (whether its asking the pretty girl to dance, stepping up to bat, or managing a global business), you’ll never find out if you can. Simple right? But something I still have to remind myself nearly every day before I take a deep breath and walk into the ring.
April 5th, 2008 at 1:50 am
Kudos to you, JLP, for handling the situation as well as you did.
You realized that you only have control over yourself, even though other people were behaving badly. You then helped your kids to feel better about themselves, in spite of what others had said. And finally, you were able to turn it into a learning experience.
Good Job!
April 8th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
JLP – I am the Awana Commander at your church and so sorry that I wasn’t there the night this situation developed. However, I doubt that other than talk to the leader who made these comments personally, I could have handled your sons as well as you did. It is very disappointing when these thoughtless comments that crush a child’s spirit are said at all, much less at a church event where we all really should think before we speak. It doesn’t leave a very good taste in your mouth. It does remind us though why we have these events. We put ourselves in these types of learning environments expecting to be in a very safe situation from the world when in reality we are just in a learning one. I think you handled it very well and sharing it here means a lot more of us will think before we speak. And I will be speaking to the leader who made this comment. Your boys will get their chance to shine.