I think the operative approach (in retrospect) is balance. You want to socialize with your peers enough to get the invites, but not so much as for it to become severely detrimental to your personal life and budget. I would suggest you think of these socializing opportunities as part of the cost of doing business. Many long-term career connections are made during those junior years of mutual hardship. Additionally, junior staff are often very reliant on each other, given the complexities and pressures of the job. Some of the most important information gets passed around informally.

On the other hand, sometimes a little distance from the office gossip mill is not altogether a bad idea. Again, like I said before, balance is key. You don’t want to be perceived as an outsider, even if you’re not exactly an insider.

Also, if you tell your pals that you have a specific financial goal, like saving up to buy an apt, you’d be surprised at how understanding they can be. They might even be willing to accomodate you sometimes by eating outdoors in the summer (they grab sandwiches from a deli, you brown bag it, you eat together in the park or cafeteria). Also, if you’re joining your wife for lunch one or two times a week, even the single guys will kind of get that (though you might get some good-natured ribbing about being on a short leash).

When I worked for another company we had salesman that took us to lunch. I don’t know if in the financial business that is the case, but that did help. In fact, the guys laughed at how I would always be available for the free lunches. Regardless – it got me out of the office with them.

In my current position, however, I am my own little silo throughout much of the day/week, and lunch is a fantastic time for me to get caught up with other employees. For me personally, I find my working relationships are enhanced quite a bit through getting to know people on a personal level through lunches, etc.

He has chosen not to join them and has been ostracized because of it.

Granted, I’m don’t work outside the home – but I fail to see why flexing your financial values in order to be part of the “team” is a good thing, or why you have to do it. Seems like lunches and after work are personal time and you shouldn’t be penalized for doing what feels right to *you*. When I worked in an industry where lunch meetings were obligatory and part of team building the company paid for the food.