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JLP’s Parenting Conundrum: Raising Responsible Kids
By JLP | September 9, 2008
This year my youngest son is entering his first year of middle school, which is a lot different from elementary school. It’s been an adjustment but he’s been doing great except for one small area.
His school requires all the kids to wear name badges. The school has threatened that if a kid is caught without their badge, they will face detention or in-school suspension (ISS). To keep him from losing his badge, I have told him to put it in the same pocket of his backpack every day. That way it will always be there when he needs it. Of course that went in one ear and out the other and my son paid no attention to my crazy advice.
Well, today on the way to school, my son starts freaking out because he doesn’t have his badge. He’s like, “Dad can we PLEEEEEASE go home and get my badge. I don’t want to get ISS.”
I was calm and told him that no I would not take him home to get his badge because he had to learn to take responsibility for his stuff.
Well, as I was driving away from school I started thinking about it. I thought that I had made the right decision but I still kept wondering if I was being a hardass. On the one hand, my son HAS to learn to accept responsibility for his actions and accept the consequences when he doesn’t. Mommy and daddy won’t always be there to bail him out. Then, on the other hand, I thought about him being in a new school, with more responsibility, and how it is an adjustment and that I maybe I should give him another chance.
Well, about 10 minutes later, I get a call from my son and he says, “Dad, can you bring me my badge? The school says that they will make an exception this one time and let parents bring badges to their kids.” I reluctantly said yes and took his badge up to him. When I walked into the school, I handed the badge to my son and said rather firmly (though not meanly), “Keep your badge in your bag.”
He said, “Yes sir.”
I think he understood that that was the last time I would be bringing him his badge.
So, here’s my question for you:
Did I do the right thing?
I realize that there’s really no right answer for this scenario but I would like to know what you think. Would you have done the same thing if you were me or would you have handled it differently?
Topics: Kids and Money | 40 Comments »
September 9th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Badges in schools, really? Is our education system so defunct we need to have kids wearing badges?
September 9th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Ken,
Don’t get me started on that one.
September 9th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
Hell yeah you did the right thing! I’m in my twenties so I’m young enough to vividly remember the times I thought my father was a hardass, yet I’m old enough to now understand the point. The badge is simple, but the principle you taught will be core to his development as a man. I have several family members that work with young people. There are too many other middle school kids who are making mistakes that are life changing (criminal behavior,sex,drugs..). These kids wish they had a “hardass” dad at home.
September 9th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
Teaching our children to be responsible is what I see as one of the greatest things a parent can do. This is easier said then done though. We hate to see them suffer from their mistakes and we want them to know we will be there to offer help when it is needed. These two don’t always go together when we are trying to get them to understand they are the ones responsible for their actions.
If we offer too much help too often, they won’t learn from their mistakes, but if we don’t come to their rescue, they may not be able to learn from their mistakes either.
I think you did the right thing as this was the first time…the challenge will be what you do, and how you both feel, the next time this happens.
September 9th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
I would have went back for the id. Put yourself in his shoes. If you (or me) remembered on our way to work that we forgot our id, we would drive back home to get it. I think giving him a pass the first or second time he forgot the badge would have been acceptable, especially this close to the beginning of the school year. It looks like it turned out pretty good in the end though.
September 9th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
I think you did the right thing. He had to squirm for a bit and deal with not having his badge, yet he didn’t get in trouble because you brought it to him when he called and said he had a one-time exception. I think this is the best way to teach a lesson, even though it sucks for the kid (and isn’t exactly easy on the parents either).
If you had just turned the car around and gone to get him his badge, the lesson wouldn’t have been the same, and I bet you would have been dealing with a boy with a missing badge again very soon. Let’s hope the lesson is learned here.
September 9th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
That was possibly the best decision you could have made – your son felt the impact of his mistake, but suffered no long-term consequences. This is different from getting away with it immediately, as that tends to be forgotten rather quickly.
The issue you should be thinking about is not thinking about the badge, but how to teach your son to listen to you. If you teach your kids to listen, weigh your words (what happens if I don’t listen and this is a problem?), and then decide what to do, then you’ve already raised responsible kids – it’s up to them to make the right choices.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
IMO you played it perfect. As parents trying to raise responsible children there is such a fine balance between being HardA$$ and complicit. I have, on occasion, taken a)lunch, b)gym bag, c)dance bag, etc. to frantic calls from children. Though not everytime, and each time I at least attempt to enact in them the seriousness of their lack of inaction. My view is that unless it is a serious issue my children get a one shot ‘free pass’ (though they would not call it that) but that is it. And that goes for all my children, ages 6, 10, and 12.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
I think you did the right thing. I would have done it that way becuase even though you brought it to him he had to go to the office or at least tell the teacher he didn’t have it and suck it up and call you. He felt the heat a little and that is all it takes with good kids with a “hardass” dad like yourself. HAHA.
I would have done the same with Arden. She has a daily agenda for us to sign, last year(3rd) I would remind her to bring it to me. This year I don’t and she has only asked 2 times so far. She loses points every day for this and she has already lost all the points she can for the month and it is only the 9th. She will learn though when she misses her reward party this month.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
Things like this are so tough. You just have to try your hardest to do the right thing and you’ll probably change your mind several times on what was the right thing… and you probably won’t end up doing the right thing… but you still have to try and be the best parent you can.
(Hope that made sense!)
September 9th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
This time is past me for the most part. And yet I remember it like it was yesterday. My children began forgetting everything when I left my out of town job for one at home. Finally, forcing me to put my foot down on their memory lapses.
The thing for me, even now reading your dilemma is I’m not sure there is a right or wrong answer. I think as parents we are looking for a middle ground. One in which we show our kids that we will always be there for them – regardless. And one where being self-sufficient is the goal. The trick is walking somewhere in the middle.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
If it was the first time he’d forgotten it, I would have gone back. Unless it was going to make me late for work, in which case maybe I wouldn’t have. And to be honest, I have to tote a keycard to get into my office building and I cannot count the number of times I have forgotten it – so while I’m a big believer in a system to prevent the forgetting (and it’s been a while for me, knock on wood), I’m sympathetic to your son.
But partly, I think it depends on the kid’s history. If my child has a habit/pattern of forgetting things, I would be much less sympathetic. On the other hand, if my child is generally on top of things but forgets once in a while, I’d be much more understanding.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:38 pm
I think you made the right choice if the school was willing to make a one-time exception since it’s the beginning of the year. As Esmond pointed out, he felt some consequences.
I think that one bailout with a warning is ok under these circumstances. My parents were very kind about helping me through some screw-ups. And perhaps another bailout in March or something if he takes it out one day. It just depends whether he’s showing a pattern of responsibility or not.
September 9th, 2008 at 1:43 pm
You did the right thing.When I went to college out of state,I was glad my parents were hardasses and taught me to rely on myself.Mommy & Daddy were not nearby and I had to rely on taking care of myself.When I screwed up I also was taught to suffer the consequences.While those early lessons seem harsh,they are “life learning experiences”.
September 9th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Absolutely the right thing.
September 9th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
I personally would have gone the other way. Everyone has days that they have forgotten something and not realized it until they were on their way to work. Since he realized it on the way, I would have gone back. If he had called from school, maybe not. Then again, it really does depend on the situation.
September 9th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
I think he *did* take responsibility by realizing his mistake before he got to school and asking you to take him back home to get the badge. What more could you ask for, really?
I think you were a little harsh on this one. If forgetting things is a habit and he wants you to turn around every day, then fine, be a little harsh.
I’m not sure what lesson I would have learned (it’s been a long time since I was that young!). But I do know that I could always go to my parents with a problem and expect them to back me up/help me out. We would have turned around and gotten the badge – my dad probably would have grounded me or had me do some extra chores or something, but he would have helped me.
September 9th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
I think you did the right thing. Exactly, perfectly. Your son knows he screwed up and knows you were angry about it but he also knows that he can count on you. Better be careful about those absolutes though! Never bringing his badge (or his lunch or his homework) to him again is pretty tough.
September 9th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
He’s your kid so only you know if you were being a hardass or not. My kids aren’t at that age yet, so I have no idea what I’d do.
While I think teaching them responsibility is important, they are still kids and it is our responsibility to support them if they need it. If it was an assignment and he was going to fail would you have turned around?
When I was at school my friends mother had a long list she would reel off on the way from the house to the car. “hats, homework, lunch, morning tea, flutes, clarinets, recorders, swimming costume, sports uniform….” I still remember her list and use it with my kids. Without fail one of us would have to go back to the house but we never got to school forgetting anything.
I now have my own list I go through in my head as well.
September 9th, 2008 at 9:28 pm
You didn’t mention whether or not you were free to do it or if you had to make a trade-off.
He’s old enough to be responsible for his stuff and gracefully accept the consequences for dropping the ball. He’s also old enough to realize that you did him a favor and that he now owes you one. So it really isn’t a question that you did right by him; the question is how you use it to help him grow.
September 9th, 2008 at 9:32 pm
If I realized, halfway to work, that I’d forgotten my badge, I’d turn around and go home and get it. Same for my kid, although it would be different if he called me from school after I’d already gotten home, requiring a second trip.
Your son realized it was missing before he got to school, so clearly he was thinking ahead and planning his day while he was in the car. He just didn’t start the process early enough – next time, do it before you get in the car, junior!
September 9th, 2008 at 9:40 pm
Thanks for all the input everyone.
In case some of you didn’t see it, I told my son a couple of times to keep his badge in his backpack so that he wouldn’t lose it. This morning when he forgot it, it was hanging on his closet doorknob.
His school isn’t but a mile or so away from our house so it wasn’t that big of a deal for me to go back by the house and pick it up for him after he called me. I didn’t go back originally because I wanted to him to feel a little pain.
September 10th, 2008 at 12:34 am
in short… absolutely right.. infact i really respect ur approach..
September 10th, 2008 at 2:31 am
It’s time to sit your son down and watch Blazing Saddles together.
“Badges?! We don’t need no stinkin’ badges!”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lj056ao6GE&NR=1
September 10th, 2008 at 6:38 am
If this was the first time you had to turn around, I would have turned around and gotten the badge. The second time, I would have made him face the consequences at school as you did and still have gotten the badge. The third time I would have just let things happen.
Having a special needs child, I have learned that “telling” is rarely effective and had to work with him to go through the steps every time he needed to remember to do something. I don’t know if you went through the steps a few times with your child to help him learn a ‘habit’.
I learned the value of developing ‘habits’ and tried to instill that idea with my children.
September 10th, 2008 at 8:12 am
I think, as another commenter said, what’s with the badges and severe consquences? That part is teaching your kid that adults and schools make arbitrary rules that don’t make sense.
I think you should talk with your kid that you don’t know why the school needs badges but they do, and I think you should encourage your son to ask the teacher why the badges are so important. Then you and your son decide together that the rule is stupid (to the extent that it is), but some stupid person made it and you two will decide to follow it because you want to participate in the overall experience of the school.
September 10th, 2008 at 9:20 am
Yes! You did the right thing! Big old pat on the back for you, Dad!
Too many parents bail their kids out way too much, for far too long. I know a young man who was coddled way too much in his youth. First year at college, made a bad decision – ended up costing $4,000 plus in bail, legal fees, etc. Way more than he made on his summer job.
As for the issue of the badges, when an authority figure yells “Hey kid! You in the jeans, stop running” do you really think the kid is going to stop? On the other hand, if the authority figure can say “John Smith, stop running” – John is going to stop running. In school buildings where there are hundreds, if not thousands, of students, badges are not a bad idea.
Besides, it lets you know right away if someone does not belong there.
September 10th, 2008 at 11:05 am
You did exactly what I would have done. It isn’t right that you had to take the badge to the school, though. Seems that is more of a punishment for the parent!
September 10th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
First of all, as a non-parent I have to smile a bit about the things parents worry about. Odds are he will never remember this exchange and it will not dramatically affect the development of his character.
That said, I would have probably gone back since it was so close to the beginning of school and he’s still getting used to the new rules. However I would have let him know I would only bring his badge to him or return home for two times during the whole of the school year, and he was using up his first chance.
Many people (especially children) deserve a second chance, but they need to be taught not to count on one; I don’t know how old “first year of middle school is” but 6 or 7 seems a bit young to be denied a second chance. Age 8 or 9 however is when you have to bring on the hardass and stick to your guns.
September 10th, 2008 at 1:29 pm
As a “chronic forgetter”, the best lesson I ever learned was from my parents being “hard-asses” – though don’t tell them I called them that!! I had saved up about $40 to buy a video game, and it was all in a box. Well, I was constantly laying the box around the house and forgetting where I put it. Finally, they confiscated it (without me knowing), and kept it hidden while I searched frantically for 3 or 4 days. They finally pulled it own when I was at the end of my rope.
I think letting our kids feel the pain of the situation AND bailing them out whenever possible are both good plans. They learn that we can’t always do what we ask them to do, and they also learn that we WANT to bail them out when we can. The best of both worlds – for all of us.
September 10th, 2008 at 7:15 pm
What a sad sight… A dad driving his kid to school without his name badge. What is this world coming to? Oh wait… Never mind.
September 10th, 2008 at 8:02 pm
Look at Nickel trying to be funny.
September 11th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
If it were me and I noticed I was missing something that I needed for work (and I was something I’d really get in trouble for not having!) I would definitely return home and get it. Even if it happened multiple times! I sympathize with your son. Being in middle school is tough enough without your parents being against you too! Of course, you did bring it to him – eventually… though it took up more of your time than if you’d just gone back in the first place, didn’t it?
He does need to learn to keep it with him. However, he IS learning a lesson about how people, especially children, are often subject to ridiculous consequences for small, inconsequential-in-the-larger-scheme actions. Seriously. I’m 37 now with three kids and when I think back to the crap I had to put up with from my parents and other authority figures when I was their ages… it just boggles my mind.
September 12th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Wow. I can’t count the number of times that I have shown up to work without my badge. At big companies, they have a security desk and you get a spare. No slap on the wrist or anything. At small companies, you call someone and hope they came in before you or you tailgate in. No big deal. I’ve seen employees that are “TEMP” more than they are themselves through a year. Even places where you were supposed to wear your badge at all times, it was usually ignored after about a week or so.
So, I think the punishment doesn’t fit the crime, and can’t believe that they don’t have a better way of handling the situation, since many fortune 500 companies deal with this every day.
What’s the penalty in TX for forgetting your driver’s license? A fixit ticket?
September 12th, 2008 at 5:55 pm
Seriously, ISS for not bringing a badge?
Man, I’m so glad out of the minimum prison security education system.
You are not wasting their lives in a public school are you?
September 13th, 2008 at 6:13 am
I have no kids (well she’s a standard poodle and she likes to drink from the toilet so I’ve got my own problems!) so obviously what you need is the advice of TV dad Homer Simpson. Watch the episode “Itchy and Scratchy: The Movie.” Supreme Court Justice or flabby male stripper? The choice is yours!
Is there anything we cannot learn from the Simpsons!
September 13th, 2008 at 10:24 am
I don’t get this policy of name badges, and the penalty for lack of a badge seems completely disproportional. What kind of school does your kid go to? I think that the bigger question is whether you should go to the PTA or the principal and talk some sense into them.
September 13th, 2008 at 10:47 am
You did the right thing. He sweated it out for a little while, but you eventually brought him his badge. It’s what I would have done.
I remember being in high school about (gasp)15 years ago. I had on shorts that were about an inch too short (but perfectly acceptable to my parents before I left the house). One of the assistant principals saw me and put me in ISS until my mother could bring me something else to wear. I was an honor student and a freshman and I was scared to be in ISS with all the misfits (turned out I learned they really weren’t that bad). But the funny thing is my mother brought my clothes to me and made me change. Then she let the principal have it because I was missing trigonometry and some other high level classes because I lacked an inch of material. Of course she did all this out of earshot of me – she wasn’t going to berate the principal in front of me for respect reasons. But she was right – I should have remained in class til she could get there with my clothes.
So it sounds like you and his school did the right thing (allowing the exception). It was probably a good learning experience for your son.
September 15th, 2008 at 11:50 pm
I forget my badge for work once in a while. If I dont leave it in the same place every night like you told your son to do I forget it. Only you can answer if it was too hard ass, but you do seem like one. Forgetting things isn’t proof of irresponsibility. Get him in to the habit of doing things organized at night. My daughter is 11 and I checklist her every night. A couple of years of that and it will become part of her process. Just telling kids at this age isn’t enough. You have to follow through and make sure they do as you ask. Middle school is probably to young for consequences on this. Help on developing habits is probably better. You can’t expect to tell you son something and have him get it on the first couple tries. If he acted like a responsible adult he would forget it once in a while and turn his own car around to get it… or check the coffee pot… or see if the garage was closed… or put on a bra. Hey, you asked.
September 29th, 2008 at 8:20 am
Well this is a tough one for me. Last week, I got so furious at my son because he forgot his metro card (bus fare card)and his wallet. I literally refused to give him any money and told him to fend for himself. This is a pattern with him. So what happened? He got a ride with someone’s parent. Not the best lesson because he got door to door transportation as opposed to sitting on a bus for 45 minutes.
This morning he did the same thing…forgot the wallet, the pass and his phone. I had to get to work and I said no way am I taking you back home. This time I gave him 8 quarters and said you’re paying me back tonight. In the interim he called my husband (the softy) and my husband drove to the school with his phone and wallet…so basically he bailed him out. Part of my feels if we bail him out every time he’ll never learn. The other part of me is coming to the realization that my son (who has been forgetting his lunch since kindegarten) is not going to change no matter how hard a line we tow.
I guess I haven’t answered the question directly. I think it just depends on your kid and if you really think he’s going to learn…if not…..is it really worth the stress?